I realize it’s early, and it’s not my intent for anyone to lose their breakfast due to the extreme close-up but…

WHAT THE SHIT HAPPENED TO MY FACE?

Did someone finally haul off and hit me and I don’t remember? I do have a tendency to say “you’re welcome” (Loudly. With maybe a titch too much attitude.) when someone neglects to say “thank you” after I hold the door for their sorry ass.

And I did tell my husband to “have another cookie, fat boy” last night, but he started it by saying “you know they are probably all skinny, right?” when I told him about the ladies luncheon I was supposed to go to today (See the past-tense? I can’t go in this condition!).

Maybe I won the World Heavyweight Boxing Championship? If so, YEAH ME, and I hope the other person looks worse.

Was there a touch too much botulism in my Botox? Just kidding. You know I can’t afford Botox.

Any of those are preferable to what probably amounts to getting bitten by some mammoth Texas-sized bug in my sleep. Just the thought of something crawling on my face while I’m having sweet dreams of cupcakes, Coach purses, and Anthony Bourdain is too much to handle.

I wonder if Netting Nations can help? They are here to offer assistance and protection to people like me, right? Texans who have been attacked and defaced in their sleep by mutant insects!

EDIT: I put a little toothpaste on the bug bite, and the swelling went down. I’m back to my beautiful self again. CLOSE CALL!

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