A few weeks ago, I found a gray hair. One, stray bastard of a gray hair sticking out of the top of my head like an antenna.

It was horrifying.

Now every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I swear I spot a gray hair or two or baker’s dozen but when I investigate further, there’s nothing. Just phantom gray hairs which stress me out so much that actual gray hairs can’t be far behind.

I used to be very insistent on never coloring my hair. Then I hit puberty and my mom promptly made me an appointment for highlights (and a swift eyebrow waxing) – I never looked back. Black, red, pink streaks, platinum. I don’t flinch when I walk into a salon. Oftentimes I have to continually reassure my hairdresser that yes, that is a drastic change–no, I’m not going to cry–just do it.

Now that I’ve finally settled on my natural hair color (what the professionals call dirty dishwater blonde–jerks), I’m facing the really real reality that hair dye may soon become a necessity and not just a whim. And I don’t think I can accept that.

Mainly because I like to be difficult.

Why would I want to color my hair that shade of old lady blonde (you know the one) that supposedly hides gray so well when so many lovely ladies are embracing the gray? Why would I want to spend all that money on my hair when I could I do something significant with the money, like buy a new purse ever season for the rest of my life? I wouldn’t. And I won’t.

Stacy London. If anyone was going to start a smear campaign against gray hair it would be this woman, right?

Kate Moss. Is that gray hair or just a light dusting of coke?

Pink. Badass.

Jamie Lee Curtis. Adorable. Even if she does make commercials about yogurt that makes you poop.

Rorseanne Barr. Say what you will, but the gray hair with the feathers is perf.

Diane Keaton. I flippin' love Diane Keaton!

Dame Judi Dench. For Christ's sake. She's a Dame. End of story.

Instead, I’ll pray that my gray hairs are a pretty steely gray and not a wiry mousey gray and if I do start to resemble an old pube head, I’ll make an appointment at the first salon that will take me and delete this post.

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