Dear Husband
My husband doesn’t like when I air our dirty laundry online – he thinks I only write about the bad stuff and that I portray him as a horrible person, but honestly, the bad stuff makes for the most interesting reading. That’s why I’m taking to my blog with an issue I’ve mentioned to him several times but don’t feel an effort is being made to rectify. I’m hoping reader comments will persuade him to go the extra mile.
I came home from work last night and saw Mike for the first time in four days – he works 24 hour shifts and has been picking up overtime whenever it’s available, making our schedules pretty much completely opposite. I went to the laundry room to wash his uniforms for another 48 hour shift and when I came back he was in bed. Sleeping. At 5 o’clock.
I realize that he works crazy hours and that his sleeping patterns aren’t normal – but not making the effort to spend an hour with me when we haven’t seen each other in four days and won’t see each other for another three days is really hurtful. What makes it even more frustrating is that I grew up with my dad working shift work and he always made the effort to be with us, so I know it can be done. We don’t even have kids or a house – so does it just get worse from here?
I’m of the mindset that everyone works and everyone has obligations. You work, you fulfill your obligations, and then you rest. I don’t think working 24 hours entitles anyone to 24 hours of “me time” the following day, and apparently that makes me ungrateful. While I don’t want to classify quality time as an obligation because that infers something you do whether you want to or not – I do think it’s the same level of importance. It’s something that is necessary in order to maintain your relationship, which should be important enough to put sleep off for an hour or two.
So, am I being unreasonable? Is it asking too much to have dinner or take the dog on a walk together?
I’m sure I’ll be in big trouble as I patiently await all your replies, so make it snappy. Please.
EDIT: Can I just say that I’ve NEVER had as much blogging axiety as I’ve had these last few minutes after I pressed publish and before my husband reads this post.
Toni
Twitter: ItsToni
I think sometimes we just fail to walk in each other’s shoes. It really takes a conscious effort – which only gets more difficult when children come along.
For instance, (just for note, I have THE best husband in the world) my husband had some vacation time this week. I didn’t. Yesterday, he said he “worked his ass off” on his day off – he did some laundry, got a few groceries, did yardwork, baked/frosted my dad’s bday cake and bathed the dog. Umm…hello? What does he think I do EVERY day, even when it’s NOT my day off? He failed to walk in my shoes.
There are times I fail as well – when he’s had a LONG day at work followed up by meetings and baseball games. Then, I wonder why he can’t throw his laundry down the shoot?
I know…it’s hard.
Toni
Twitter: ItsToni
Wait..not shoot…as in, CRAP. Chute…laundry CHUTE.
Jennifer
I have no comment. I asked for a clothes line for Mother’s Day (May 10th) today is 7/23/09 and I still don’t have it. Again I have no comment.
Laurie
I probably shouldn’t say anything because I am the one in my relationship that has unual sleeping habits. I like to stay up late, and get up late. I also tend to fall asleep at movies (especially if they are boring). I can sympathize with you though. I have times where I feel like video games or computer games take away from time D and I could be spending together. Usually I will voice my concern and we will have a date night later or the next day and spend time together doing something. Hopefully when you move to Texas (ha!) he won’t have shift work and can resume a more normal family life and sleep pattern.
Michael
Twitter: PecanCtMichael
I think that you should give the poor guy a little slack. He’s out there, saving lives, for days at a time. I would say that if you really wanted to spend some quality time while you’re both at home at the same time, you could curl up next to him and be happy that you’re together. My wife would take your side though.
Michael
Barbara
That is a tough issue. I think we have all been there. It is better that he was sleeping, than you having to compete with a video game or the T.V. for his attention. What Michael, says does have merit.
I’m sure you’ll kiss and make-up, and all will be well!
Jenn
Twitter: JennuinePain
I don’t think an hour of his time out of a week is too much to ask. He’s obviously not understanding how big this issue is to you, or he’d be making more of an effort. I realize that 24 hour shifts are probably hard, but I don’t think a meal and a walk with the dog is too much when you haven’t seen him in 4 days, and you’re off washing his uniforms so he doesn’t have to.
Ruthie
I say throw your clothes off and join him in bed!
ash
i think you need a standing hooters date.
Mike
I think someone should join me on my current 60 hour shift and see how conversational she is afterward.
dad
how sweet, you realized why i was a zombie when you were a kid
ConnieFoggles
I truly think this is a man thing. It doesn’t matter how long of how little he works, he comes home, says hello (sometimes) does his OCD stuff and hardly talks. When we were first married I asked him about this. He said that he just needed to get his head together after working and it had nothing to do with me.
It’s hard for you because he’s away from you for days at a time. So maybe joining him in bed wouldn’t be so bad.
Jesse
I would have to take the guys side I mean its hard to work so much and the exhaustion adds up so if he came right in the door and crashed in bed, thats pretty understandable. Fighting the body is a fight you cant win.
If he came home and, say, played video games or watched tv to “unwind” as many working folk do I would totally change my stance though. Family time comes before pointless recreation like that.
im with ya
i dont think it would kill him to spend 30mins-an hour with you before he crashes. just a little conversation might be nice…..
Jason
Well you see… men don’t jump from one mood to the other instantly like women do, so when we get home from work it takes a little while before we are back to our “home” mindset. With shifts that long I am not surprised it takes some sleep first. A good estimate of downtime is 10% after… 8 hour shift? 48 minutes of downtime to transition. 60 hour shift? A night of sleep. Just plan for it, it all works out.
Oh, and we all know what you meant by “spend an hour” with you. With the other stuff you post you don’t have to class-it-up in your blog
Corrin
Twitter: CorrinRenee
Jason – He got home at eight that morning and slept till 3 o’clock then went back to sleep when I got home at 5 o’clock. Should I just take the hint?
Jason
That’s silly. There is no hint. Women hint. Men aren’t smart enough to hint.
Corrin
Twitter: CorrinRenee
So you’re saying it was a blatant attempt to ignore me?
Jason
lol, woman conclusions. No, it was a blatant attempt to sleep. If he was ignoring you he probably would have told you so.
Corrin
Twitter: CorrinRenee
But then why, after having the required 10% downtime, was there no conversing?
Jason
It isn’t always precisely 10%… that’s just a rule of thumb.
Oh, and it wasn’t me that did it, so you don’t have to keep arguing til I give up
Charla
This is just an idea, if you both have the time to read. There’s an excellent book called “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. It helps people understand what the other person perceives as love. Some people just don’t have a clue. It’s really a good book!
Corrin
Twitter: CorrinRenee
Charla – Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll make sure to look for the book the next time I’m out!